Openess and Honesty - Healing Salve for Relationships

“I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.”

~Frodo Baggins, The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien

It has definitely been a while since my last blog post. I don't know how long this one will be either, but let's see how long I can stay awake. (Late night revelations - gotta love 'em!)

The last couple months have been hectic for me. Between beginning treatment for depression*, my friends' and families' relationship statuses changing almost daily, and my gigantic leap from literary English Major to Studious Biology Major four days before the beginning of the fall semester, I can confidently say that I have never been so exhausted. Oh, did I mention I have two jobs?

Day to day activities are pretty difficult to get through without breaking down, crying, falling asleep, or any combination of the three, yet I'm still strangely happy for some reason. Well, maybe not happy, per say. That's not the right word... at peace is more accurate, I suppose - or at least at peace with the direction my life is headed now.

Yet even with all of the great things happening in my life, one topic has been bugging me for months on end. Seriously, only one thing is causing so much strife and confusion, one teeny tiny, itsy-bitsy little thing... RELATIONSHIPS.

For weeks and weeks I have been trying harder than ever to figure out how I can fix all the relationships I've screwed up, what I need to do to heal my hurts that other people have caused, and exactly when is the right time to approach the difficult conversations that every relationship must endure at some point or another. Here are some thoughts - take them with a grain of salt because that basically all my head is usually filled with (well, salt viral youtube videos).

Whether they are romantic, familial, or platonic, healthy relationships are all extremely similar in that they are all comprised of a few different components: the give and take component, the accountability less judgement component, the body shield component, and finally (this one encompasses them all) the unconditional love component. No, these are not from some psychology textbook or some doctoral study conducted over ten years - these are different branches that I have personally witnessed bearing relational fruit in even the darkest times in peoples' lives. Truly, these components are applicable to any kind of relationship between human beings. When I use the word "relationship" from here on out, I am talking about friendships, family bonds, and romantic ties.

Relationships are constituted by more than just these four puzzle pieces, but they really are the fundamental building blocks of a good, healthy relationship. Let me explain a bit about each one before continuing:

1. GIVE AND TAKE This component doesn't need much explaining. Families help and are helped by each other, friends are always there when you need them, just in time for you to return the favor, and spouses literally give up their lives to live as one with the other. Equal self-sacrifice and grateful acceptance on both sides can act as emotional eye glasses that allow either person see things from an empathetic point of view.

1. ACCOUNTABILITY LESS JUDGMENT What I mean here is that a strong, steadfast relationship should contribute to mutual accountability without implementing degrading or condescending criticism. In other words, transparency of personal issues within the relationship must be shared with each other, and neither person in the relationship can be afraid to call out a breach in the "accountability contract" that is made when confiding in another person. Humility and honesty are the keys to healthy accountability, but if either person in the relationship begins to exhibit a more righteous than thou attitude and the accountability becomes starkly judgmental, the component breaks down and the relationship becomes about the self, not the other person.

1. BODY SHIELD The basis is simple: Whenever physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental harm is on the horizon for either person in the relationship, both need to prepare defenses. The person "under attack" must be willing to rely on the support from the other person, and that person has to be ready and willing to lend said support in times of trials and tribulations. Again, honesty is key here. Sometimes a friend won't know that the other person is suffering unless the sufferer comes right out and says it. Likewise, the sufferer needs to hear the truth - that their buddy will always be by their side in the dark places of life, and that they are loved for who they are, not what they have done, who they were, or the struggles they face. That leads me to the last component, overarching the previous three.

1. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE First of all, let me get this out of the way - love is NOT just romantic! There are different types of love; love for a significant other, love for object of affection, love for family, and love for friends. Apply these to specific relationships and put the other person before yourself no matter how hard it is for you. Doing this the foundation of genuine empathy. When you begin loving the unlovable and exhibiting no-strings-attached compassion for others, it is almost as if a lighthouse appears on the horizon to guide you towards fulfilling the other crucial components of a stable, healthy relationship.

Now then, what do you think? Is there anything to what I'm saying? I don't know. Maybe I'm blowing smoke and I seriously have no idea what I'm talking about, but here is something that I am sure I got right: whenever there is conflict in a relationship there is always something both parties can do better. I'm not discounting my own shortfalls at all. In fact, I have to remind myself that it isn't all my fault. I don't like hurting people and the last thing I want to do is cause pain to those I love and care about. Whenever conflict arises I have to remember that it is not all my fault, but the only part of the conflict I need to worry about at that moment is the part I played. The degree to which the other person was wrong doesn't matter. If I worry about myself and apologize for whatever I did to exacerbate the situation then I should feel complete even if the other person does not apologize. That is, as long as I remember not to take on the whole weight of the conflict myself.

How are relational conflicts avoided/healed? Sorry, but avoidance is impossible and healing of such injuries are usually painful (at least in the moment) because the amount of energy required to span a relational rift is exorbitantly larger than what we expend in every day conversation. Communication, or lack thereof, is the biggest contributing factor in relational conflict. The second biggest source is delivery when communicating things that have the potential to become emotionally charged.

• Poor communication and lack of communication are two different things, but feed into very similar consequences. When communication is incomplete, disjointed, or simply enacted to appease the other person, we call it poor communication. Crucial elements of relationship may be lost "in translation" or modified in the reception. Likewise, isolation in difficult times may constitute similar misinterpretations. Maybe you are simply extremely busy, but you don't want to talk about the trouble you are facing because you can't stand the thought of putting your difficulties on other people. WRONG THINKING. Good friends want to help you, and great friends will understand and read through the lack of interaction and see your heart. At this point they should directly ask why you are never around and then implore you to just talk about the stress once in a while, holding you accountable in order to relieve some pressure. If you avoid the other person long enough another pitfall will eventually appear on the horizon: the deadly trap of misconceived mistrust. In other words, your friend may take it as a sign of mistrust if you isolate yourself from them, and then a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and increased mistrust will brew between the two of you**.

• Not much more can be said about delivery other than TONE MATTERS. Your tone, facial expression, demeanor, gestures, speaking speed, speaking volume - just about everything you physically convey through words and actions! - can contribute to poor delivery. Various aspects the human psyche can be used to explain away why poor delivery is so rampant, but the easiest way to put it would lie in the statement "we are all only human." We have individual personalities and different ways of interacting with and behaving in the world. These discrepancies often cause us to forget that we may need to put extra effort in to our delivery when communicating to other people. Something that may not rub you the wrong way may very well be one of the cruelest ways of expressing yourself to another person. Just think about the other person more than yourself. Put your self in their shoes (literally if you have to) and understand that broken bridges can almost always be fixed, but burned bridges are not likely to be considered for reconstruction.

We are all human, so the bonds broken by poor communication and isolation should be (or will eventually be) familiar to everyone, but that doesn't mean mitigating the miscommunication and healing those relational fractures is impossible. Actually, it is all simply a process of learning to trust others, discern who to trust, and being comfortable sharing grievances with those people. Most likely they do not want to hurt you and most likely you do not want to hurt them, but both end up bruised and bloody when one side clams up or is dishonest with the other. On the other hand, maybe the reason for shutting someone out is a good one. Use discernment, for sure, but pure honesty really is the best policy.

Consider this: if a situation arises that justifies hiding something from one of your closest friends, it'd better be a surprise party or the reason must be very good. Don't write off people too quickly, and if you are hurt by them, instead of making them into some demoniac hell figure with horns and a pitchfork, have a little compassion and see what might be going on in their life. Most likely it just takes a small push to get someone to open up and release the pressure slowly and safely. If you let pressure build up and it bursts all at once, more than likely you, the other person, or perhaps both of you will get scorched and the cycle of secret disparity and false friendship between you begin in earnest. Moral of the story: be honest with your friends, love others (yes, LOVE) more than you love yourself, make sure to love yourself so you know HOW to love others, and always remember that you are not alone in this life.


Woofwoof!

Caleb


*I hate labels and I hate that I finally had to go see someone and get medicinal "help fight" something I always thought could be solved by faith, perseverance, or any combination of therapeutic responses other than medication. I'm slowly learning to accept that I just need a little something extra in order to combat my sadness, but it is hard to accept. I'm not alone, and it is OK if I am judged, but still, feeling like you are broken isn't a great feeling. Then I begin thinking, "Hey, I'm only human, right? Feeling depressed and anxious isn't who I am, but those feelings are still parts of me." In order to love others, you must learn to love yourself, right? Well, in order to love yourself, you must must accept every part of who you are. I'm not broken, just a bit defective sometime, and guess what? I still run pretty well on a day to day basis, so I say that's a success. Just some thoughts...

**Let's be real here: isolationism is a huge problem, because it is often seen as self-sacrifice and venerability. I am EXTREMELY guilty of this. At times I will isolate myself and my problems from my best friends and family, either consciously or subconsciously, because I do not want to burden them. The only thing that this does is make them think I don't trust them, think they're strong enough to help with my problems, believe that I am strong enough to handle them all on my own (arrogance), and basically say "I don't need any help from you plebeians because I love you and don't want to crush you with the overwhelming weight of my difficult, busy life, because you simply can't handle what I can handle." Truth is, I can't handle much on my own and there are times that I have to be alone to work or study (there is nothing I can do if my friends are hurt about this), but my loved ones are always still right there beside me and willing to hear about and accept the emotional parts of my burdens.